Break ⬇ or break ➡

Many of you know my story, read pieces of it in Ignite Your Leadership, a bestselling anthology I took part in last year, or have seen posts about it on social media. For those that haven’t I’d like to share a bit about the realization I have come to 13 years after having what the clinical world would call a breakdown that landed me on suicide watch and under lock and key on the 7th floor of our local hospital also known as the “psyche ward.”


It was one of 3 of the scariest times of my life coming in right behind being hit head on in a car accident while 6 months pregnant with my son and nearly losing my daughter at the age of 2 to a rare blood disorder that magically cleared itself up after 7 days in the oncology ward at CT Children’s Hospital where they thought she had leukemia.


The first year after my “breakdown” I was in a medically induced trance so to speak swallowing seven different medications a day to keep me “here”. I was numb for the most part feeling very little during that time. I was unable to work and lacked energy to do much of anything. Taking care of my kids was almost impossible and left me feeling so much guilt for years after as I watched my husband automatically step up and take on all the roles I should have. A recurring lesson I still live with as an entrepreneur whose income can sometimes be sporadic. (If you know, you know)


Looking back though, I see the actual BLESSING that time truly was.


I was finally resting in ways I never gave myself permission to do because I had no choice now. My BODY rested fully. My MIND couldn’t hold on to a thought long enough to stress out about it. The VOICE that loved to talk shit to me was finally quiet. I was an empty shell of a human being during that time and as I look back in a way it was one of the most beautiful times in my life while for others that were witness to it, it was devastating.


As my body, mind and soul were given a much needed break from the rat race of life I was able to begin the healing process and I thank the universe every single day for this gift and the gift of the people in my life who supported me during this time. Especially my husband Bob who’s undying love for me has withstood 28 years of my shifts (believe me he’s shifted too) and because of it, my soul began to reawaken and the voice that had been stifled my entire life came through louder and louder and I began to listen more and more.


Here I am 13 years later fully understanding that this “Breakdown” was exactly that but not in the way the clinical world would describe it. Instead, it was a Breakdown of:

• Societal rules I thought I had to live by
  
• The box I tried to fit in and couldn’t
  
• People pleasing
  
• Living for other people’s expectations and rarely my own
  
• The conditions of my upbringing
  
• Ancestral fate I thought I couldn’t shift
  
• Unconscious living
  
• Unconscious beliefs
  
• Never having healthy boundaries
  
• Never have learned the word NO
  
• Victimhood mentality
  

This breakdown became the BREAKTHROUGH I needed to start making serious changes in my life and that’s exactly what I did.


We, as a society, are constantly and unconsciously pushing ourselves to the breaking point whether we are “Chasing the American Dream” or literally just trying to survive in this world where we are faced daily with incredible challenges and triggers from people, places and things until something happens (I call it the tap from the universe) to make us STOP and take notice.


It may be a story like mine, it may be drugs, it may be a divorce, death to a loved one, a disease or even a financial crisis that leads us to this stepping stone of the breakdown itself but that’s all it is is a breakdown of all that was building IN you that you literally can’t hold onto one more day.


Here is my invitation to embody the breakdown as it can lead to the most incredible breakthroughs and if I can be of assistance to help YOU see you as I and the universe already do, gain some Klarity and ignite some passion into the life you live then feel free to reach out and I will hold the space for you to experience it too.