Over the last several weeks I have been falling in and out of alignment. The holidays trigger so many emotions in me that sometimes it takes all that I have learned to stay present and grounded while other times my mind goes to all that I dislike about Christmas leading me down the rabbit hole of why.
And what I have come to fully understand is what haunts me the most is the Christmas spirit I have taken from my children who are now basically adults at 17 and 21 that feel the same way as I do about the holidays.
My years of
comparing and competing
spending time with people I didn't want to,
separation from the ones I did,
AND no healthy boundaries,
left me full of shame, guilt, fear and anger and I took it all out on Christmas day itself.
My actions, my thoughts, my behaviors imprinted and impacted my kids then and more so now as my daughter recently said to me ,"Mom, I know you are stressed about Christmas because of the money so please don't buy me anything." It broke my heart to know that her entire belief in Christmas revolves around the monetary value of a gift.
Yikes!!!!!!!! That was a big nut to crack, accept and take full responsibility of knowing I created that belief.
I understand now because it is exactly what was instilled in me growing up with divorced parents and a father that loved to show up every Xmas day leaving the price tags on everything teaching me all the wrong lessons as we were made to sit and patiently watch everyone open each gift from him so we could be sure to validate his ego and know how much he spent leaving me with the belief that if I didn't spend a lot on other's I wasn't showing them love.
So the time has come to FORGIVE not only myself but all those around me that just didn't (and still don't) know any better. I am taking back the spirit of Christmas for myself, my kids and my husband so that no other generation has to endure "MY Christmas Story".
We are never meant to live in the stories, the trauma and pain of our ancestors. We are meant to live in the hopes, dreams, and possibilities of our children's children and that is what I plan to do moving forward.
The BEST part is, it's NEVER too late to create conscious awareness and the more we are willing to look, accept and forgive the parts of ourselves that are damaged or in pain the more we have the ability to make changes. If we continue to ignore or mask this side of ourselves we will never be free from the stories we have been living. As we know better, we have the choice to DO better.
And I deserve better and so does my family so for myself, for them and the generations to come I am taking the reins of my holidays back in my own hands (sorry Santa) and creating NEW memories, NEW traditions, NEW stories that we can all cherish for years to come.
And if you are struggling I hope each of you finds some peace and comfort from my experience knowing you are not alone and have the choice to create a change.
Kelly McCarthy is a passionate universal energy teacher, intuitive practitioner and insightful sacred speaker located in Litchfield County, CT. Though not a published author yet, once in awhile she feels called to write about something that speaks to her.